‘Wich Con Part I - That’s My Bad
Script by Jawanza Barial-Lumumba and Emily Peterson
Story by Amy Claire and Jawanza Barial-Lumumba
NARRATOR
At Slum’s, the jaws of JEREMIAH, CARLOS, and ISAAC all hang ajar, as KYLIE enters in a costume that could only be described as “sandwich.”
KYLIE
I am skilled, talented, and award-winning in many major life categories, but my ex was always the one who designed my costumes, and although I am S.O.L. at this time, I will murder any of you if there’s a negative statement regarding my outfit.
ISAAC
Are clarifying questions permitted?
KYLIE
I suppose…
JEREMIAH
What the hell are you supposed to be?!
NARRATOR
From behind her costume, KYLIE whips out a bright turquoise spray bottle and begins repeatedly spritzing JEREMIAH, who cries out in terror as though he’s about to melt. Out of fright, and tripping over his untied shoelaces, JEREMIAH topples to the floor.
CARLOS
My—ahem, what a lovely outfit. Sin fin hermosa! Pero… could you enlighten us to the origin of this elaborately lovely—
KYLIE
I will also spray for faux-flattery.
ISAAC
So like, what’s going down?
KYLIE
Thank you, Isaac, truly the only gentleman left amongst you all. I am on my way to the regional sandwich convention and everyone who dresses up as their interpretation of the Wich Witch gets a reduction on their entry fee and get entered into a competition with they will be judged and potentially taken out for sandwiches with Amelia Richardson, one of the founding members of the con, who also happens to be a recently single, bisexual hottie that I’ve been meaning to meet over the last two years. I was going to go with What’s-Her-Face, but since she’s dead to me, I’m still planning to go, but with a new goal in mind: get Amelia Richardson’s phone number!
CARLOS
What’s the event called?
KYLIE
Wich Con.
CARLOS
(Confused)
The con you’re going to right now?
KYLIE
No, no, no, don’t you Abbott me, Costello––it’s called Wich Con. Let’s just nip that right in the bud.
ISAAC
Hmmm…
CARLOS
Is this what we sound like when we brew up ill-advised gal-seeking misadventures?
ISAAC
A smidge more hopeless and over-sprinkled with endearing broments.
KYLIE
Yeah, and unlike you boys, my success rate is much higher.
CARLOS
(sarcastically)
Well sure, how could we ever compete with this?
KYLIE
Well, you three play your cards right and I can show ya. Come with me! You’ll make me look marginally more badass, and help guide me by ignoring the primary suggestions that you all provide, steering me towards better life choices.
CARLOS
Rude.
ISAAC
Though accurate.
CARLOS
Another clarifying inquiry: explain more about your costume...
KYLIE
Well, the Wich Witch is supposed to be the mascot of the Wich Con—
CARLOS
Yeah, no, I get the idea of the mascot. Explain the parts of your costume. For instance, the cardboard shields that are hanging off your shoulders—
KYLIE
Obviously, slices of a Dutch Crunch.
ISAAC
Oh.
CARLOS
Obliviously?
JEREMIAH
…why aren’t they getting sprayed? I call inequity!!
KYLIE
OKAY—so maybe I won’t win the competition, but I’ll still have a chance to meet her!! Sure my Wich Witch costume is humble—
CARLOS
Is your green shirt just supposed to represent lettuce?
KYLIE
Lettuce, and I doodled on some sprouts. See?
CARLOS
And are those yellow splotches supposed to be mustard?
KYLIE
Well, it’s a two-for-one sorta deal, as I spilled mustard on myself this morning…
NARRATOR
A stunned silence washes over our sweet, sweet boys. JEREMIAH finally gets up and slinks away to the bathroom to dry himself off.
KYLIE
Alright, fine, I need some assistance. Just buy your tickets and come with me!
CARLOS
How much?
KYLIE
Well, it’s the only one in the region so it’s not super cheap or anything—
ISAAC
Nope, found it on my phone. Not dropping $90.
KYLIE
That’s not that expensive.
ISAAC
Nah. Nopers. Nopeskies. No gracias. All the nopes.
KYLIE
I have a spare ticket, if you three split two tickets $180, that wouldn’t be that bad.
ISAAC
Carlos?
CARLOS
Nunca.
ISAAC
Gracias, bromigo.
CARLOS
Plus we have a hike planned.
ISAAC
Cha.
CARLOS
And by hike, I mean, we’re taking the aggressively flat trail to meet some cute gals out in motherfuckin’ nature. A-booya.
KYLIE
Gross.
CARLOS
How’s that worse than your plan?
KYLIE
Yours is creepy and objectifying women in workout gears, whereas I am going to lure her in with my womanly charm with gals dressed as sandwiches… And that’s that! (A flush echoes from the bathroom.) Fine—here’s the deal: how promptly can you two bounce?
NARRATOR
As JEREMIAH emerges from the bathroom, he hears the front door close, and only finds KYLIE and some of the other Slum’s bar patrons.
JEREMIAH
Where’d our bros go?
KYLIE
Oh, my bad, they said… that there was a bro-mergency.
JEREMIAH
Oh shit! (sighs) I understand.
NARRATOR
KYLIE hands JEREMIAH his ticket.
KYLIE
And they had to hit the road. Weather or something. BUT LUCKY YOU! You get the honor of joining me for Wich Con today!!
NARRATOR
Soon, JEREMIAH is squished next to KYLIE in the back of a TRIP-line car, bringing them from Slum’s to Downtown Hawthorne Convention Center, where Wich Con is taking place. Though KYLIE has more than enough space, JEREMIAH is in the middle seat between her and another Wich Con-er, who resembles more of a Disney Sandwich Princess engulfed in poofy ruffles.
KYLIE
Wait, if Isaac’s on a hike, who’s working the bar at Slum’s right now?!
JEREMIAH
Kylie, let’s just address the real elephant in the room.
OTHER WICH WITCH
What the fuck did you just call me??
JEREMIAH
Uh, actually wasn’t talking about you, Ellie.
ELLIE
Wait, how do you know my name?
JEREMIAH
We, uh, sorta had a date. Once.
KYLIE
Sorta?
JEREMIAH
Well like, I waited for you, at the bar, decked out in my finest threads, but like, you strolled in, locked eyes with another fella, and yall instantly got into it—like, the soulmate-makeout, eyes locked onto each other passion… except, that the date was supposed to be with me. That was like, next level friendzoning.
KYLIE
Friendzoning isn’t a thing.
ELLIE
Nope.
JEREMIAH
Since when?!
KYLIE
Since always. It implies that women owe you sex.
ELLIE
Not a thing.
JEREMIAH
Can’t we just have everyone owe some sex to one another…?
ELLIE
What?
KYLIE
Gonna go with a hard no on whatever it is you’re trying to say.
JEREMIAH
Not sure I really get it though.
KYLIE
Alright, since we’re blossoming buds, I’m going to break this down a bit for you. What’s one of your favorite desserty snacks?
JEREMIAH
Mom’s fresh-made cookies. Obvs.
KYLIE
Aight. Say, you’re a kiddo again, kickin it with your mom back at the house. Say, she’s making some cookies, specifically for herself—
JEREMIAH
But why is she making them for just herself? That’s kinda selfish, ya?
KYLIE
Doesn’t matter the why, they’re for her.
ELLIE
She doesn’t need to justify the why.
KYLIE
Right?
NARRATOR
KYLIE and ELLIE high-five in front of JEREMIAH’s face.
KYLIE
Now, say you’re interested in your mom’s cookies. So, you decide, on this day, to do everything right. You’re super nice. You’re hella polite. You do your chores. You do everything you believe you’re supposed to do, to get a delicious, cookie-based reward.
JEREMIAH
YEAH. Why else would you do all that?
ELLIE
Gee, I don’t know—to be a DECENT HUMAN BEING.
JEREMIAH
Whatevs. Keep going.
KYLIE
So, at the end of it, you do all that good stuff, and you politely ask your mom for the cookie. She’s super nice, and tells you that the cookie is for her. And then, you throw a giant and overly dramatic tantrum—more of a mantrum really—because you feel entitled to her cookie. Even though, it’s up to her on if she’s sharing it with you. And you throwing a mantrum shines a light on you feeling entitled to it, even though, you aren’t.
JEREMIAH
…wait, what does this have to do with friendzoning?
ELLIE
It’s an analogy. Your mom’s cookie is supposed to be sex.
JEREMIAH
What?! WHY WOULD MY MOM’S COOKIES BE SEX?!
KYLIE
You were the one who gave me that particular snack-ample.
JEREMIAH
IDIDN’TKNOWIT’DBEABOUTSEX!
ELLIE
Fine—think of it as my cookie. I didn’t owe you “my cookie” after an almost date, or after a real date, or at any time. That’s why friendzoning isn’t a thing.
JEREMIAH
Huh. Okay—still processing. But also, good to know. Friendzoning aside, getting stood up like that was the bleakest almost “date” of my existence.
ELLIE
That’s totally my bad—guess I might actually be the elephant in the room. Anyways, we’re really happy together—I thought you’d wanna know.
JEREMIAH
Why would I exactly?
ELLIE
I don’t really care—I just wanted to share.
JEREMIAH
Well if he likes you so much, why isn’t he here?
KYLIE
Jer.
ELLIE
Well we’re in a poly-relationship, so I’m meeting up with a different partner today. Boom.
NARRATOR
ELLIE puts in her headphones and scrolls through photos of her catch of a boyfriend and her other partners.
JEREMIAH
Aight, let’s be kind, rewind: the actual elephant in the room—your ex.
KYLIE
She who shall not be named.
JEREMIAH
Sure. The one that enjoyed you calling her racist and discriminatory things.
KYLIE
Oh yeah. Sooooo… sorry, ya know, about that.
JEREMIAH
About what specifically are you sorry?
KYLIE
About dating a racist?
JEREMIAH
Or how about diving into losing yourself into something kiiiiinda sorta majorly discriminatory and offensive…
KYLIE
Well, I guess I didn’t really take it personally, probably because, ya know…
JEREMIAH
Your general, blissful, ignorant whiteness?
KYLIE
For starters! This is rather hard to say, but uh, yeah, I guess you’re… you’re right. (winces) Wow, I’ve never felt pain like that before. (sighs) To be honest, I should’ve stepped up and said something. That’s my bad.
JEREMIAH
Hope they’re more than just words. I forgive ya.
KYLIE
Wow, nice. Look at us today. Taking important steps in our friendship—beyond, well, ya know, the other elephant in the room… that’s not Ellie.
JEREMIAH
Your outfit?
KYLIE
Well, I mean, you were kinda overly into me when we first met. You just kinda saw me as just one of your lady marks.
JEREMIAH
Yeah, but like, that was then, this is now. Times have change. And you’re a lesbian now. That’s new!
KYLIE
…Always been a lesbian.
JEREMIAH
Just saying, we’re cool, we’re good, we’re solid, we’re just two peas in a somewhat uncomfortable, sexless pod.
KYLIE
So you see me as more than just a attractive woman who isn’t bangable because of my orientation and that we’re actually friends and buddies?
JEREMIAH
Yes? I know I’m really into girls who aren’t often available, but to be honest, you are no longer on my radar. You’re entrapped in my zone of friendship. I swear.
KYLIE
ENTRAPPED IN THE FRIENDZONE?! (Sprays JEREMIAH and he shrieks with terror.)
JEREMIAH
...I mean, you don’t owe me sex?
KYLIE
No. Woman. Owes. Dudes. ANYTHING.
JEREMIAH
Right. Cookies. Mom. Friendzoning’s not a thing. (pause) You’re totally in the brozone!
KYLIE
(sighs) I’m just gonna let that one go for now. Let’s discuss that back with the other bros.
JEREMIAH
I’m feeling a hella social and physical pressure right now. For reals: we be even freakin steven, friend. Promise. Hell, if anything, I see you as more of a sandwich than person to me today, your costume is that good...
KYLIE
Oh, wow—you’re such a sweet-talker. How in the world are you single, again?
JEREMIAH
My love life’s a ginormous Rubik’s Cube—complicated, colorful and unsolvable. Oh look! We’re here!
NARRATOR
Before them is a sea of sandwich-disguised humans, shuffling into a long-ass line at the doors of the downtown convention center like an array of gourmet sandwiches being lined in the display window of a sandwich shop. Our sweet, sweet JEREMIAH and rowdy KYLIE bolt from the TRIP-line, ditching ELLIE, securing their spot in line in. After 2 hours of jamming out to KYLIE’s favorite sandwich-based tunes, KYLIE and JEREMIAH step into the poorly decorated convention center, with one goal in mind:
KYLIE
We have an hour before the Wich Witch contest begins, which will be when I wow the heart and lady bits of one Amelia Richardson.
JEREMIAH
Wow. May I just say wow to your wordy decisions?
KYLIE
SILENCE—your male gaze and un-wich-worthy choices only allow for your support today, not criticism.
JEREMIAH
So I should just shut up and roll with it?
KYLIE
Yes. (beat) Also let me know if you spot any rolls, they have hella samples here.
JEREMIAH
I love rolls!
KYLIE
Life’s perfected doughy creation.
JEREMIAH
Alright, Ky, this is your op. What’re our next moves between now and then?
KYLIE
We’re going to go through some booths and disarm the muthafucking competition so I am promised a win today. You feel it?
JEREMIAH
I’m fucking feelin it, lady-bro, like a siren’s song.
KYLIE
…You mean I’m about to cause you to crash your boat, stranding you at sea?
JEREMIAH
In the sea of success.
KYLIE
Anywho, I’m going to need to borrow your brain to devise particular schemes to derail our primary competitors. It’s the same ladies, a few dudes, who make the top 10 each year, and we need to whittle their confidence away, such that they’ll be gone before the competition begins. I was totally gyped during last year’s competition!
JEREMIAH
Uh, sure—but also, gyped is a problematic term.
KYLIE
What?! Since when!?
JEREMIAH
I mean, it’s always been a derogatory term. But like, its fucked-upp ery probably kicked in around the time the Romani folks informed their European oppressors that they weren’t fond of that word. Or were you needing a specific circa or era for when they got bummed out by that name?
KYLIE
Fine, fine… that’s my bad too.
JEREMIAH
Do you always say my bad whenever you’re trying to discreetly sweep something under the rug?
KYLIE
I’M TRYING! GEEZ, THAT’S MY BAAAA--DAMMIT!!! (exasperated sigh) I’m trying. Okay, this year, if we can knock half of them out of competing, I’m a shoe-in.
JEREMIAH
Or a loaf in.
KYLIE
What?!
JEREMIAH
What I hear you saying is that it’s time for me to active my newest nickname—
KYLIE
Carlos already texted me to encourage me not to call you “Jere-my-you-are-SO-wonderful-at-figuring-out-all-my-troubles.”
JEREMIAH
(whispers)
Damn you, Carlito… (regular volume) SO, who’s first on your list?
NARRATOR
Our brave heroes arrive at the blind sandwich tasting booth, that MELLIE runs. Per previous competition, KYLIE describes her as:
KYLIE
There’s Mellie, the craftiest costume fiend of all of Wich Con. She’ll have the dopest threads of all of other Wich Witches here. We must destroy her. Then we have Sally—who is actually a practicing Wiccan and comes to these with the most authentic sandwich potions. After her are Sammy and Deli—twins whose talent is endless, ranging from acrobats, to public speaking, to being trendy artistis, they’ll be gifting Wich Con with some new trend of the year. Then there’s Matty—a comedian and a member of a problematic movement of sorts, which, to be honest, is more of a joke than anything else. So we’re in line to see Mellie. She’s working the exotic sandwich booth—and the worst is that her outfit will be some crazily unique sandwich NO ONE has ever heard of. Ugh, she’s the worst.
JEREMIAH
Thaaaaat’s a lot of compettish.
NARRATOR
Waiting in line for her both, KYLIE and JEREMIAH inch closer and closer to their first rival.
KYLIE
I’ve been following them all on Instagram this year—that fucking Hashtag: WichWitchWinners is like a window into their forthcoming defeat.
JEREMIAH
How would you describe their outfits this year? Particularly this Mellie character. Like, is she a good wich or a bad wich? (beat) I know, I can already feel your increasingly rageful glare beaming upon me, so before you say anything, I already know: not helpful. But we got this—hasthag: Team-Jerlie! - Oh shit. Look.
NARRATOR
Through the crowd of strangely dressed sandwiches, JEREMIAH and KYLIE spot the very visible ELLIE at the roll sampler station, holding hands with none other than:
JEREMIAH
Your ex!
KYLIE
FUCK! I thought we wouldn’t see her! And she’s at the rolls station--double-fuck!
JEREMIAH
YOU KNEW SHE WAS GONNA BE HERE?!
KYLIE
Okay, volume, down. I wasn’t positive, but I knew that she knew that I would be here… so ya know… maybe.
JEREMIAH
Doesn’t Ellie have a boyfriend?
KYLIE
Yeah, but she said they’re polyamorous. (pause) Ya know, multiple partners in a mutually open relationship.
JEREMIAH
That’s what that means?! Wait, I thought your ex hated sandwiches.
KYLIE
Well, I guess she’s here with Ellie… to support her… and her fucking princess sandwiches dress. UGH! I just didn’t want to run into her today--or ever again.
JEREMIAH
Ah. And then there I was… directly pointing her out… guess that’s like... my bad or whatever. (chuckles) Oh, no, please don’t spray me again.
Not So Fin - To be continued!
Main Cast - Jeremiah, Carlos, Isaac, With Kylie & the Narrator
Supporting Cast - Ellie
