Misadventures in Adulting Ep 5: The Once In a Blue Long Island Moon Protocol
From the 2010s script vault: Jeremiah, Carlos, and Shannon evaluate the guys’ approach to talking to women; Isaac gets an unfortunate surprise.
The Once In a Blue Long Island Moon Protocol
Written by Jawanza Barial-Lumumba
NARRATOR
Friday nights at Slum’s are normally decently active—by 9pm, there’s a good mix of hip guys and trendy gals, old man regulars, and our valiant heroes, CARLOS & JEREMIAH, with ISAAC working it behind the bar. But tonight, it is unseasonably slow, only occupied by the elder man folks, several of the odder regulars, and of course, our sweet, sweet boys. Not a single cool hip young person in sight.
JEREMAIH
By definition, are we the coolest dudes in the bar if there are no other hip people around us?
CARLOS
…No, cause there’s no cute girls or jealous guys here to validate us.
JEREMIAH
Oh. So, cheers?
CARLOS
No gracias.
JEREMIAH
Fine… I’ll just do a self-cheers.
NARRATOR
JEREMIAH does an invisible cheers to no one and finishes his Budlight. CARLOS finishes in suit.
JEREMIAH
Well Victor’s here! And Shannon! They’d validate our cool points, right?
CARLOS
I don’t know if the regular who self-identifies as “Victor the Vulture,” cause of his method of picking up women, and the other regular who enjoys being called “Souleater” because she enjoys hooking up with sad mopey guys even though she has a boyfriend, should be the people we want affirming… anything.
JEREMIAH.
Fair point, fair point.
NARRATOR
A cute girl hesitantly peeks into Slum’s. Her face wrinkles upon inhaling the fumes the creep throughout the bar. Instantly, VICTOR swoops from his barstool and creeps up to her. He reaches out with his overly hairy arm and his sideways grin and before she can even consider whether or not it would be a wise idea to try slumming it at Slum’s she leaves.
JEREMIAH
The sad part is his game is more on point than our game.
CARLOS
Rude dude, how is his game better than—wait! We have game?
JEREMIAH
He circles around girls and at some point doesn’t even care about how they look. He closes his “going home with girls” success rate at 89%... he normally talks to about all of the women in the bar, but even if it’s the twentieth woman, he still picks one up. That’s a hell of a lot more than the no woman we normally take home each night from his bar. And we’re here way more regularly than Victor.
CARLOS
Not gonna compare us to Shannon?
JEREMIAH
She scores makeout buddies every single night. Even me once!
ISAAC (from the far end of the bar)
More than once!
JEREMIAH (dismissively)
Twice…
ISAAC(stil l far off)
Four and a half times!
CARLOS
And a half?
